Very intimate diaries 3

I have intense emotional paralysis. (...) It’s true that there’s some anger in all this. A big bundle of anger. In fact, it’s hundreds of small, medium and large rages all piled on top of each other.
That's what has paralyzed me, I guess.

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Does fate really exist? Is it what I thought it was when I was young, and I felt I had something great to achieve?

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(Another Day)

I live my life a lot on pity and the idea “not to disappoint.” I don’t live my life in function of me a lot I think…

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All I know is that I try to be approved, validated constantly.

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(Another Day)

It seems to be going rather slowly… That's good!  I'll have more time to mourn a number of things ...

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Do I have any superstitions? Telling me that if things go well, I will pay dearly, it is not a superstition, right? Sure!!
Luckily that I told myself I no longer had them!!

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(Another Day)

Things take place one by one, slowly.

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Sometimes, I'm afraid to write... I know how it’s demanding and what that costs me in energy ...

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(Another Day)

I just read Brainlock (Jeffrey M. Schwartz)

 
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Sometimes that lasts for two full days (the obsessive negative thoughts). And there may be residues (flashbacks) for the next three, four days. It's so ingrained in me ...
For de-focused, I sing a little. I also use a mental positive picture.

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Do I still have the right to dream?

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If my fountain pen had the strength of the biggest will in the world...
Could it be possible? I wish…