Very intimate diaries  9

I understand that my life’s tools are tools. The work they help me accomplish often remains on the periphery of the "central engine." To work more directly to the heart of it, I need professional outside help.

What I genuinely want is ... uh...

What I honestly desire is ... uh...

What I fervently wish is ... uh...

I think ultimately I don’t know.

I never thought I was playing so much the victim.

Despite all that I can think of and even if I have a problem to admit it, Mom and Dad loved me.

I try to sublimate my pain with art.

My insane fears infiltrate everything I am, do and live.

From my yellow notebook 4

Lack of love causes insecurity which increases the need for love which increases insecurity, etc.

The bottomless well: Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage...
Stops filling the well!

Spiritual Alchemy: transform my weaknesses into strength.

I created my fears and faults; I’m their father and them my son. Their strength comes from their creator, me. This is my strength, I therefore control them...

The rage I feel I can turn it, sublimate it by making a "transplant"; use that feeling to serve an idea a goal, and make it a formidable force to stimulate me. Build rather than destroy.

To create time for contemplation, however small they may be, throughout my day…

I hear you, I expect you...