Very intimate diaries  4

I am amazed at how I'm comfortable with people. I can be so smart, so resourceful. But as soon as I’m alone, it’s the "anti-nomy." Total paralysis. It's pretty amazing…

As long as there won’t be a total and ultimate trigger; it will always be a vicious killing repetitive exhausting circle.

Sometimes my life seems long and boring.

I wish I could love me, love my life...

I know that’s the love of mom and dad that I wanted and that I seek compensation for years.

I don’t understand how can I be so dark and yet have so much hope inside...
It’s obvious that it helps me to live.

(Another Day) 

I reacted quite strongly to the drawings I do in art-therapy. (I see myself as disabled, bruised, defeated and immature)

I almost always let others decide for me.

It seems that I need to receive affection to give me a boost from the bottom of the depressive pool where I am to finally break my drowning.

(In transcribing these lines, I realize how important it is for me to look frankly at my negative side. It’s part of my life. I don’t have to reject it but to accept it. I can help myself to live, learn something from it.  Accept it can give me more strength and much less fear.)

Very intimate diaries

Antidepressants have taught me how my brain works.

(…)

Get out of self-sabotage.

(…)

To believe that I am on the road to recovery, I need to feel and see real change.

(…)

Looking for therapeutic triggers that’ll bring the changes I wish for.

(…)

Six, seven months after Mom died, the image of the tyrannical tigress is gone, replaced by that of a sweet woman. (The image I had of her in her youth, and I've always kept, was replaced by the image of an aging woman of its last days.) 

(…)

I have a lot of incredible feelings of revenge, anger and frustration in me. A rather explosive combination. 

(…)

I want to get back to the "world before." 

(…)

I have my legs, my arms, but sometimes not all my head ...