Very intimate diaries 19

My inner core is wearing out with these crazy fires of madnesses, these floods of sadness, these thunderstorms of pain and those storms of suffering.

Nevertheless, it still holds. Whatever the width, height or size, my pillar is indestructible. It’s what keeps me on the march, running; to live.

My pivot is blind; he obeys to what causes the shakes, what wants to uproot the soil where it’s sticked, deeply in my heart.

It's my radar that detects the slightest movement of my being and trying to keep my inner balance.

This center, this central stalk is unique. Some have a manufacturing defect, but all are functional.

Some say that we ourselves had already ordered our copy before using it ... Others say that these robust axes are drawn randomly as a lottery where there is only one winner.

Some are born to lead their pillar to perfection; others will not have enough of one life ...

My core braved many inland storms, but his fate remains unchanged as a lighthouse well planted in the rock. It will self-destruct when death will pick it up as a ghost ship that arise from the fog of life.

Very intimate diaries 14

I often had these irrational fears in my life thus of becoming crazy! Where this fear came from? I think I have a little idea on that; I believe that mom’s mental and psychological fragility and her wild merciless moods gave me the feeling, at each of her crises, she was still very close to sink into a deep no-return madness.

I wonder if I haven’t tried, with this fear I bought from her, to "join" her to share her dizziness because I could not stand she suffers; she was the greatest love of my life.

I still can see her fight with all her might against these invading crying inner ghosts as she poured bile on our heads and shoulders. Nevertheless, she managed with that gentle force buried in her to continue to protect us and love us.

I have not inherited mom's "imbalances", but now she's gone every time I feel that Life scratches me at length, I become again this little boy who, with a glint of fear and suffering in his eyes, looked at the most beautiful woman in the world to become an ugly and repulsive monster.

While denying this legacy with all my strength I manage to follow my inner path, the one where all the cures are possible...