From my yellow notebook  10

I have a “traveling bubble” to create.

I deserve something good happens in my life.

When I let fear going up, without resisting, tension in me fall down.

Knowing. Being able. Wanting.

While I know that some activities I do are futile and useless, I love doing them and they make me feel very, very good!

The successes of others can be very rewarding for me.

In most projects / activities / work I do as soon as I start thinking about result I paralyzes.

I am a connoisseur in "Doing everything ... except what I have to do! »

Faith and Abandonment vs Reason and Destiny.

I often have the feeling that my brain is built as if there were, superimposed, a multitude of disturbing thoughts that I have to tear away one after the other, year after year, to be better and better.

From my yellow notebook  7

My perfectionism = Paralysis

I have a great intolerance for any errors… Mine!

I have a very high fear of ridicule (big ego?).

God that’s maybe to recognize itself in others...

I am the Great Wizard; I can conjure up magical thinking over and over and over...

I am a student at the University of Life.

To be able to go from a state of suffering to a state of power.

Being patient that’s knowing that it will happen.

Allow time… to Time.

All right, I tried and it wasn’t through there.
Now, where should I go?

As soon as I have what I desired, I quickly feel emptiness.

What I like is the "desire to have".

I have inner screams asking to get out.

I have an innate sense of adaptation.

I need to change angle by which I see things, only a few degrees.

I have many rigid and inflexible beliefs.

I look for the perfect action for the perfect reaction.

Very intimate diaries  4

I am amazed at how I'm comfortable with people. I can be so smart, so resourceful. But as soon as I’m alone, it’s the "anti-nomy." Total paralysis. It's pretty amazing…

As long as there won’t be a total and ultimate trigger; it will always be a vicious killing repetitive exhausting circle.

Sometimes my life seems long and boring.

I wish I could love me, love my life...

I know that’s the love of mom and dad that I wanted and that I seek compensation for years.

I don’t understand how can I be so dark and yet have so much hope inside...
It’s obvious that it helps me to live.

(Another Day) 

I reacted quite strongly to the drawings I do in art-therapy. (I see myself as disabled, bruised, defeated and immature)

I almost always let others decide for me.

It seems that I need to receive affection to give me a boost from the bottom of the depressive pool where I am to finally break my drowning.

(In transcribing these lines, I realize how important it is for me to look frankly at my negative side. It’s part of my life. I don’t have to reject it but to accept it. I can help myself to live, learn something from it.  Accept it can give me more strength and much less fear.)

Very intimate diaries 3

I have intense emotional paralysis. (...) It’s true that there’s some anger in all this. A big bundle of anger. In fact, it’s hundreds of small, medium and large rages all piled on top of each other.
That's what has paralyzed me, I guess.

(...)

Does fate really exist? Is it what I thought it was when I was young, and I felt I had something great to achieve?

(...)

(Another Day)

I live my life a lot on pity and the idea “not to disappoint.” I don’t live my life in function of me a lot I think…

(...)

All I know is that I try to be approved, validated constantly.

(...)

(Another Day)

It seems to be going rather slowly… That's good!  I'll have more time to mourn a number of things ...

(...)

Do I have any superstitions? Telling me that if things go well, I will pay dearly, it is not a superstition, right? Sure!!
Luckily that I told myself I no longer had them!!

(...)

(Another Day)

Things take place one by one, slowly.

(...)

Sometimes, I'm afraid to write... I know how it’s demanding and what that costs me in energy ...

(...)

(Another Day)

I just read Brainlock (Jeffrey M. Schwartz)

 
(...)

Sometimes that lasts for two full days (the obsessive negative thoughts). And there may be residues (flashbacks) for the next three, four days. It's so ingrained in me ...
For de-focused, I sing a little. I also use a mental positive picture.

(...)

Do I still have the right to dream?

(...)

If my fountain pen had the strength of the biggest will in the world...
Could it be possible? I wish…