Every time I try to free myself of a habit, an obsessive pattern, that became very
painful to live with over the years,
what’s annoying me is that instead of reducing my pain it increases due
to the "mourning" that
my brain seems to do to abandon this habit/obsessive pattern
which has been around since tens of years and had become an integral part of my being.
To be able to "improve" myself it
seems that one of the prerequisites
is to be a masochist...
(....)
Through the
years I often make the
same finding from time to time;
I wouldn’t, for nothing in the world, want
to live my previous years again! Absolutely
not but not at all! Even those that seemed the "good ones"
because when I’m looking more closely I see that
there were as much painful periods
as the so-called "bad ones".
I have also thought
I could relive some periods
of my past... but correcting this n’ that, by removing this n’ that, by having my understanding of today, etc... But that wouldn’t be reliving my past because by modifying
it, that wouldn’t be my past anymore...
(....)
I have always wondered what I would change
in me if I had a
magic wand. Then I think; be tall
or be beautiful or follow my intuition or being
fearless beyond reproach, etc, etc, etc...
And on second thought I realize that
these "defects" I would so much like to change they have built me, created me and modeled me as much as my so-called "qualities". And they even, in some
way, my qualities and my defects,
worked hand in hand and now they are virtually
indistinguishable from one another.
Also, I have to admit that I like what I've become.
(....)
(P.S.: Still, I must admit a little
that I would have liked to be… beautiful. Oh, Vanity!)
