Very intimate diaries 12

Every time I try to free myself of a habit, an obsessive pattern, that became very painful to live with over the years, what’s annoying me is that instead of reducing my pain it increases due to the "mourning" that my brain seems to do to abandon this habit/obsessive pattern which has been around since tens of years and had become an integral part of my being.

To be able to "improve" myself it seems that one of the prerequisites is to be a masochist...

(....)

Through the years I often make the same finding from time to time; I wouldn’t, for nothing in the world, want to live my previous years again! Absolutely not but not at all! Even those that seemed the "good ones" because when I’m looking more closely I see that there were as much painful periods as the so-called "bad ones".

I have also thought I could relive some periods of my past... but correcting this n’ that, by removing this n’ that, by having my understanding of today, etc... But that wouldn’t be reliving my past because by modifying it, that wouldn’t be my past anymore...

(....)

I have always wondered what I would change in me if I had a magic wand. Then I think; be tall or be beautiful or follow my intuition or being fearless beyond reproach, etc, etc, etc...

And on second thought I realize that these "defects" I would so much like to change they have built me, created me and modeled me as much as my so-called "qualities". And they even, in some way, my qualities and my defects, worked hand in hand and now they are virtually indistinguishable from one another. Also, I have to admit that I like what I've become.

(....)

(P.S.: Still, I must admit a little that I would have liked to be… beautiful. Oh, Vanity!)