Very intimate diaries  5

I do what I can do. I slowly move forward. That’s the way it is.



I am everywhere at once, except where I have to be. Very effective!!

(Another Day)

That’s the vision of me who’s so distorted.

I remain me, in writing, what I am.



I asked myself so many questions being young; others seemed to find answers so easily.



I sometimes feel "exhausted" from words.

(Another Day)

When I work hard on me some changes of mind can be so profound, almost radical, such as a coat or a veil which I remove sharply.



"I do what I can, when I can, where I am, with what I am ..."



I think I can be a control freak sometimes.



I would like to have as much compassion for me as I often have for others...

Narrative 8:

The field behind the house:

I remember being young there was behind our house a huge field of perhaps half a mile long until a dense forest not really inviting.

I played very often in this field. Alone, with friends or with my sister M. There’s a picture of her with Grandma G. immortalized standing in this large field with grass up to his thighs for my grandmother, to the neck for my sister.

I loved walking in this field.

I loved running in this field.

Sometimes I lay in the grass and watched the sky. Sometimes, after the rain, when there was a rainbow in the sky, I ran with a friend to reach it and we would go so near the end of the field, very close to the dense forest. I then turned back walking backwards to avoid having my back to the forest.

I always had a great sense of freedom in this field, like in a movie cliché or in a novel’s stereotype.

Nothing untoward happened in this field filled with ordinary grass, wild flowers and fireflies some summer evenings.

In the morning when I looked out the kitchen window, I embraced it. At night just before the darkness, I threw a last glance of tenderness and a desire to join it.

I liked this field as one loves a person.

Thank you my friend...

Lights  Scrapbook  2

What embellishes the desert is that somewhere it hides a well.

—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry—

Life is desire.

—Charlie Chaplin—

Doubt and fear are the auxiliaries of major initiatives.

--Amélie Nothomb—

Melancholy is the happiness of being sad.

—Victor Hugo—

The past is only a prologue.

—Shakespeare—

When we regret we’re unhappy twice.

—Justine Lévy—

No one can reach dawn without going through the night road.

—Khalil Gibran—

Anything that gets lost helps to find itself.

—Françoise Sagan—

To succeed, it’s not enough to predict. We must also know how to improvise.

—Isaac Asimov—

The second half of life is also life! There’re twilights that are more beautiful than dawns...

—Martin Gray—

Everyone has their world. The whole thing is down roots in the land that suits us.

—Marc Lévy—

Narrative 7:

Breakfast:
 

When I was young, Dad woke us up to go to school shortly before leaving for work. I finally got up ... after his fourth visit to my room! I dressed flabbily and I went stomping to the kitchen table to sit down.

There waiting for me was a cup with a base of cocoa, sugar and Carnation milk which dad prepared. As soon as my buttocks touched the chair, dad poured hot water into my mug and voilà my morning hot chocolate was ready!!

 
I then took a toast very soft and dripping with butter on the stack on the plate before me. My delight was to dip my toast in cocoa before taking a bite.

 
Just to describe that breakfast makes me want to make me one on the spot! 

I have long tried subsequently to make me a cocoa and toast breakfast from “Dad’s recipe” to no avail...

Very intimate diaries  4

I am amazed at how I'm comfortable with people. I can be so smart, so resourceful. But as soon as I’m alone, it’s the "anti-nomy." Total paralysis. It's pretty amazing…

As long as there won’t be a total and ultimate trigger; it will always be a vicious killing repetitive exhausting circle.

Sometimes my life seems long and boring.

I wish I could love me, love my life...

I know that’s the love of mom and dad that I wanted and that I seek compensation for years.

I don’t understand how can I be so dark and yet have so much hope inside...
It’s obvious that it helps me to live.

(Another Day) 

I reacted quite strongly to the drawings I do in art-therapy. (I see myself as disabled, bruised, defeated and immature)

I almost always let others decide for me.

It seems that I need to receive affection to give me a boost from the bottom of the depressive pool where I am to finally break my drowning.

(In transcribing these lines, I realize how important it is for me to look frankly at my negative side. It’s part of my life. I don’t have to reject it but to accept it. I can help myself to live, learn something from it.  Accept it can give me more strength and much less fear.)

From my yellow notebook 4

Lack of love causes insecurity which increases the need for love which increases insecurity, etc.

The bottomless well: Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage...
Stops filling the well!

Spiritual Alchemy: transform my weaknesses into strength.

I created my fears and faults; I’m their father and them my son. Their strength comes from their creator, me. This is my strength, I therefore control them...

The rage I feel I can turn it, sublimate it by making a "transplant"; use that feeling to serve an idea a goal, and make it a formidable force to stimulate me. Build rather than destroy.

To create time for contemplation, however small they may be, throughout my day…

I hear you, I expect you...

Lights  Scrapbook

In life, there’re no failures; as long as I draw lessons from the events, I succeeded.

I'm not depressed; I’m sometimes in a quiet period before the action, I am in transition.

I'm not lost; I'm sometimes in a research period.

I have not failed: things are sometimes postponed.

Friends are angels who put us back on our feet when our wings have forgotten how to fly anymore.

To believe in something and not living it, it's dishonest. -Gandhi-

These are the choices I make that affect my life, not the circumstances. 

I think my potential, and my learning are unlimited.

I can at any time change the course of my life by taking a decision.

I don’t have to know exactly what I want to do when I do an action.

That's when I fill my life with tools that I live my true life.

I am a source of change. I have this tremendous power to change by myself.