Very intimate diaries 14

I often had these irrational fears in my life thus of becoming crazy! Where this fear came from? I think I have a little idea on that; I believe that mom’s mental and psychological fragility and her wild merciless moods gave me the feeling, at each of her crises, she was still very close to sink into a deep no-return madness.

I wonder if I haven’t tried, with this fear I bought from her, to "join" her to share her dizziness because I could not stand she suffers; she was the greatest love of my life.

I still can see her fight with all her might against these invading crying inner ghosts as she poured bile on our heads and shoulders. Nevertheless, she managed with that gentle force buried in her to continue to protect us and love us.

I have not inherited mom's "imbalances", but now she's gone every time I feel that Life scratches me at length, I become again this little boy who, with a glint of fear and suffering in his eyes, looked at the most beautiful woman in the world to become an ugly and repulsive monster.

While denying this legacy with all my strength I manage to follow my inner path, the one where all the cures are possible...

Very intimate diaries  13

 

Year after year a shambles of voices settled down in my head. Each of them is trying to attract my attention, they shout louder as each other until a symphonic cacophony is heard. Each asked me to follow their path. And so, I created a maze of paths of life which I don’t know where the exit is anymore.

 

As soon as I finally kill one, another takes its place as the monstrous heads of the Lernaean Hydra where for each head cut off it grew two more. And with one rustle it succeeds, also, to numb me to remain to its service.

 

One servant, dozens masters.

 

To be able to stop hearing them I engulfed, sank myself day after day deep down in me like in a bottomless pit.

 

Until one day I realized that they would be with me forever since each is bound to me as the earth to the sun; our survival depends on that of the other. I am their creator and they are my creatures. They’re like kids screaming, jumping, exploding at any moment without warning.

 

I then understood that I have to allow the hurricane to pass, head down, walking against the wind, keep moving and get in that place in me, inviolate by these repeated aggressions, who protects me and tirelessly feeds me; Life.

 

Pending completion of it, I move forward...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lights  Scrapbook  8

Life stops when the fear of the unknown is stronger than momentum.

- Hafid Aggoune –

Many of our fears are the thickness of a tissue and one single brave step would be enough to cross them.

- Brendan Francis Behan –

Where is God? God is in reality.

- JL –

It isn’t necessary to know where we are going; it’s necessary to have a vision.

- Robert Lepage –

Between black and white, there are millions of nuances of gray.

- JL –

Life is like a bicycle; we must move forward not to lose balance.

- Albert Einstein –

Saying "I don’t know", I humbly open myself to apprenticeship.

- JL –

It’s only when the sky is dark enough that we can see the stars.

- Martin Luther King Jr. –

The only way to "cure" my past is to change my perception of it in the present time.

- JL –

This is not time which passes; it’s we who pass.

- Unknown –

The woes are "sprints"; happiness a marathon.

- JL –

Outside, beyond what’s right and wrong, there’s a huge field; we will meet there...

- Mawlana Jalal ad-Din Romi –

My shit experiences always become fertilizer to grow my dreams.

- JL –

Wisdom is to have dreams big enough not to lose them of sight when we’re chasing them.

- Oscar Wilde –

I take advantage of the night to delight me...

- JL –

From my yellow notebook  10

I have a “traveling bubble” to create.

I deserve something good happens in my life.

When I let fear going up, without resisting, tension in me fall down.

Knowing. Being able. Wanting.

While I know that some activities I do are futile and useless, I love doing them and they make me feel very, very good!

The successes of others can be very rewarding for me.

In most projects / activities / work I do as soon as I start thinking about result I paralyzes.

I am a connoisseur in "Doing everything ... except what I have to do! »

Faith and Abandonment vs Reason and Destiny.

I often have the feeling that my brain is built as if there were, superimposed, a multitude of disturbing thoughts that I have to tear away one after the other, year after year, to be better and better.

From my yellow notebook  9

I know, I create, I do, I love.




I succeed or I learn.




Life is short; I want to enjoy it lengthily.




It's my actions which create my motivation.




I try to achieve my dreams with rigidity.




Start from scratch and continue. Start from a "no" and continue.




Feeling good. Right Now.




When is dad my father? When is mom my mother?




My "Exaggeration up to the ridicule" method acts.




To step back apply to all spheres of my life.

This n’ that  8

Young, I dreamed of being a professor, archaeologist, sociologist or psychologist. And someone important.

Probably my creativity is the source of my soul.

Refusals are never final and these requests denied, could lead me to other people who are as important and influential.

In acting, I take control of my life. I become anxious when I don’t act because I lose control of my dreams.

My priorities:
1) Creativity 2) Freedom 3) Success 4) Security 5) Comfort 6) Exploration
7) Adventure 8) Power 9) Passion 10) Health

I am freely obliged to die.


I feel the need to constantly "untie" me from others.

I have periods of single nodes and I have periods of complex nodes.


Why am I so different?

I learn to write, to put it in a constructive, scalable way on people and my surroundings

Take time to spoil me, feed me.


Levels of death through the ages :
1) A very long time ago, we wondered if the body was dead;
2) Later, we wondered if the brain was dead;
3) Today, one wonders if the person is still experiencing emotions.

I continually need to prove myself that I have the right to speak, to think, to write.

When I deny and denigrate all and everything, it’s because I became a loser.

Because he’s unknown, in an unknown environment, with unknowns, he knows he’ll be all right.

From my yellow notebook  6

I regularly oppose my faith in life with my reason for living.

I need to explore the unknown...

I have long sought permission to live.

My self-deprecation is one of my life’s tools that relieved me most from anxious thoughts.

I can have a remarkable composure in "catastrophic" situations.

To have financial, social and spiritual abundance: what a great idea!!

I want to do a treasure hunt of sources where to quench my thirst.

If I keep doing what I've always done, I'll get what I always got.

I think I am here to learn; so everything else doesn’t belong to me.

My life is a series of zigzags I constantly have to readjust.

Confront my fears allows me to move from a position of suffering to a position of power.

I need to quench my insatiable thirst for knowledge, pleasures, sharing and creation.

Lights  Scrapbook  2

What embellishes the desert is that somewhere it hides a well.

—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry—

Life is desire.

—Charlie Chaplin—

Doubt and fear are the auxiliaries of major initiatives.

--Amélie Nothomb—

Melancholy is the happiness of being sad.

—Victor Hugo—

The past is only a prologue.

—Shakespeare—

When we regret we’re unhappy twice.

—Justine Lévy—

No one can reach dawn without going through the night road.

—Khalil Gibran—

Anything that gets lost helps to find itself.

—Françoise Sagan—

To succeed, it’s not enough to predict. We must also know how to improvise.

—Isaac Asimov—

The second half of life is also life! There’re twilights that are more beautiful than dawns...

—Martin Gray—

Everyone has their world. The whole thing is down roots in the land that suits us.

—Marc Lévy—

Very intimate diaries  4

I am amazed at how I'm comfortable with people. I can be so smart, so resourceful. But as soon as I’m alone, it’s the "anti-nomy." Total paralysis. It's pretty amazing…

As long as there won’t be a total and ultimate trigger; it will always be a vicious killing repetitive exhausting circle.

Sometimes my life seems long and boring.

I wish I could love me, love my life...

I know that’s the love of mom and dad that I wanted and that I seek compensation for years.

I don’t understand how can I be so dark and yet have so much hope inside...
It’s obvious that it helps me to live.

(Another Day) 

I reacted quite strongly to the drawings I do in art-therapy. (I see myself as disabled, bruised, defeated and immature)

I almost always let others decide for me.

It seems that I need to receive affection to give me a boost from the bottom of the depressive pool where I am to finally break my drowning.

(In transcribing these lines, I realize how important it is for me to look frankly at my negative side. It’s part of my life. I don’t have to reject it but to accept it. I can help myself to live, learn something from it.  Accept it can give me more strength and much less fear.)

Lights  Scrapbook

In life, there’re no failures; as long as I draw lessons from the events, I succeeded.

I'm not depressed; I’m sometimes in a quiet period before the action, I am in transition.

I'm not lost; I'm sometimes in a research period.

I have not failed: things are sometimes postponed.

Friends are angels who put us back on our feet when our wings have forgotten how to fly anymore.

To believe in something and not living it, it's dishonest. -Gandhi-

These are the choices I make that affect my life, not the circumstances. 

I think my potential, and my learning are unlimited.

I can at any time change the course of my life by taking a decision.

I don’t have to know exactly what I want to do when I do an action.

That's when I fill my life with tools that I live my true life.

I am a source of change. I have this tremendous power to change by myself.

Very intimate diaries 3

I have intense emotional paralysis. (...) It’s true that there’s some anger in all this. A big bundle of anger. In fact, it’s hundreds of small, medium and large rages all piled on top of each other.
That's what has paralyzed me, I guess.

(...)

Does fate really exist? Is it what I thought it was when I was young, and I felt I had something great to achieve?

(...)

(Another Day)

I live my life a lot on pity and the idea “not to disappoint.” I don’t live my life in function of me a lot I think…

(...)

All I know is that I try to be approved, validated constantly.

(...)

(Another Day)

It seems to be going rather slowly… That's good!  I'll have more time to mourn a number of things ...

(...)

Do I have any superstitions? Telling me that if things go well, I will pay dearly, it is not a superstition, right? Sure!!
Luckily that I told myself I no longer had them!!

(...)

(Another Day)

Things take place one by one, slowly.

(...)

Sometimes, I'm afraid to write... I know how it’s demanding and what that costs me in energy ...

(...)

(Another Day)

I just read Brainlock (Jeffrey M. Schwartz)

 
(...)

Sometimes that lasts for two full days (the obsessive negative thoughts). And there may be residues (flashbacks) for the next three, four days. It's so ingrained in me ...
For de-focused, I sing a little. I also use a mental positive picture.

(...)

Do I still have the right to dream?

(...)

If my fountain pen had the strength of the biggest will in the world...
Could it be possible? I wish…