Very intimate diaries  17

I sprinkled my daily life with always alert and ready anti-personnel landmines to tear away an arm of the mind, a mental leg, at the slightest movement outside the concrete path of my life.

I walk every day in this cramped trail zigzagging between regrets, remorse and rejections dotted along this narrow cemented route. And I managed to scamper with a light step despite the heaviness of my feelings.

Moving forward, non-stop, I fear every footstep thinking it might be the last stride.

But bit by bit I learned to defuse most of these "anti-me " bombs. I manage to remove each of the pieces which make up them, each time I found love. Love of oneself.

Such a complex work to live simply.

Very intimate diaries 14

I often had these irrational fears in my life thus of becoming crazy! Where this fear came from? I think I have a little idea on that; I believe that mom’s mental and psychological fragility and her wild merciless moods gave me the feeling, at each of her crises, she was still very close to sink into a deep no-return madness.

I wonder if I haven’t tried, with this fear I bought from her, to "join" her to share her dizziness because I could not stand she suffers; she was the greatest love of my life.

I still can see her fight with all her might against these invading crying inner ghosts as she poured bile on our heads and shoulders. Nevertheless, she managed with that gentle force buried in her to continue to protect us and love us.

I have not inherited mom's "imbalances", but now she's gone every time I feel that Life scratches me at length, I become again this little boy who, with a glint of fear and suffering in his eyes, looked at the most beautiful woman in the world to become an ugly and repulsive monster.

While denying this legacy with all my strength I manage to follow my inner path, the one where all the cures are possible...

Very intimate diaries  11

I have long tried to "neutralize" the negative waves of events before they reach me. In vain! Until I realized that the waves and negative events will always be; it’s my reaction that I have to change.

(....)

All my life, I looked for and waited for the "psychological clicks" that would wake up my mind, my brain and finally solve various mental knots where I was chained.

Like lights that would suddenly be on.

But I still bogged down in this big intolerable darkness until one day I realized I could not see them because I had my eyes closed...

(....)

Sometimes when I’m writing my Pages, I enter a kind of hypnotic and meditative state so strong that, for a few seconds, I have no knowledge of what I have just written.

(....)

A while ago, I thought of all these numerous years of painful therapies and medications I had been through, dozens and dozens thoughts of death that had crossed my mind and I realized that as deeply nourishing and uplifting that might be the love of my family and my friends, it was not what could make me want to stay alive, but the following questioning: Is it enough? Did I accomplish my mission? Is it time to go?

I have found no answer. That's why I'm still here.

Very intimate diaries 10

When I go through hard times, I noticed that I put everything in my personality in question. It's pretty exhausting...

(....)

Sometimes, quite naturally, my devotion gradually turns me into a victim and strangely I do nothing to get out of it as if I liked it...

(....)

I remembered a friend telling me, a very long time ago, that people don’t want to fall in love but rather find "doctors" to heal their souls.

Now, I believe him.

(....)

The tremendous talent I got, at very large capacity, with every opportunity I get, any time, for all sorts of activities, actions and gestures from me, tirelessly and with maniacal surgical precision is... to judge me, re-judge me, re-re-judge me until dead do us part. Amen!

From my yellow notebook  9

I know, I create, I do, I love.




I succeed or I learn.




Life is short; I want to enjoy it lengthily.




It's my actions which create my motivation.




I try to achieve my dreams with rigidity.




Start from scratch and continue. Start from a "no" and continue.




Feeling good. Right Now.




When is dad my father? When is mom my mother?




My "Exaggeration up to the ridicule" method acts.




To step back apply to all spheres of my life.

Very intimate diaries  4

I am amazed at how I'm comfortable with people. I can be so smart, so resourceful. But as soon as I’m alone, it’s the "anti-nomy." Total paralysis. It's pretty amazing…

As long as there won’t be a total and ultimate trigger; it will always be a vicious killing repetitive exhausting circle.

Sometimes my life seems long and boring.

I wish I could love me, love my life...

I know that’s the love of mom and dad that I wanted and that I seek compensation for years.

I don’t understand how can I be so dark and yet have so much hope inside...
It’s obvious that it helps me to live.

(Another Day) 

I reacted quite strongly to the drawings I do in art-therapy. (I see myself as disabled, bruised, defeated and immature)

I almost always let others decide for me.

It seems that I need to receive affection to give me a boost from the bottom of the depressive pool where I am to finally break my drowning.

(In transcribing these lines, I realize how important it is for me to look frankly at my negative side. It’s part of my life. I don’t have to reject it but to accept it. I can help myself to live, learn something from it.  Accept it can give me more strength and much less fear.)

From my yellow notebook 4

Lack of love causes insecurity which increases the need for love which increases insecurity, etc.

The bottomless well: Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage. Lack of love. Rage...
Stops filling the well!

Spiritual Alchemy: transform my weaknesses into strength.

I created my fears and faults; I’m their father and them my son. Their strength comes from their creator, me. This is my strength, I therefore control them...

The rage I feel I can turn it, sublimate it by making a "transplant"; use that feeling to serve an idea a goal, and make it a formidable force to stimulate me. Build rather than destroy.

To create time for contemplation, however small they may be, throughout my day…

I hear you, I expect you...

From my yellow notebook 3

I am a believer... in Jehan.

When I dream of my unconscious, is a sign that things are changing?

Why live in a dream the present state?

Use the bottom line method.

How can my actions give me more strength and safety to the cocoon which I created?

To repeat in my mind: It's not my judgment it's theirs. It’s not mine!

To dare is to learn.

To act is to learn.

To repeat in my mind: I take my responsibility; the rest is not for me.

I love life.  I love my life.

Now!

Be always as a beginner.

Live up all my fears ... and then get rid of it!

What do I want to protect me from?

"He’s wavering... like the wind."

Narrative 4

Letter from Jehan, eight, to Jehan, thirty-eight.

Dear, thirty-eight years old Jehan,

How far away! Drat! That’s so far away being thirty-eight years old!

Do you still have fun, or you’re too old? Do you still know all our friends? Do you have a family? What a lot of things you must have done since now! You’re thirty years older than me; it’s as old as dad and mom. You must have become somebody important.

Do you still play outside? I hope that you have good friends. I look forward to being your age; then the big ones will listen to me … But it’s good to be young and with my friends. I won’t be afraid anymore of others at your age; I’ll be older.

You must be very busy! I hope I’ll still know lots of people at your age and to feel good, too. I’d love to organize, create games and all that and to be paid for that. That would be good, isn’t it? Does that kind of work exist? Will I have new friends? Will I have a friend like C. later?

That seems so very far away thirty years …

Am I going to play games, do things, in the meantime, or what! I look forward to all this, but I am o.k. right now: I don’t want to be suddenly very old tomorrow morning! I’ll be thirty years older, but I want to go there slowly, OK?

I hope you’re a big guy, and you’re nice. Is mom very old? And dad? I have nephews and nieces? I hope I’ll still have plenty of fun at your age. It is hard for me cause the big ones don’t listen to me. Nevertheless I’m on good terms with my friends.

School’s nice sometimes, but other times I’m bored. I like the drawing course, visual art course and all the things like that.

I may tell you that I love you, right? Even, if you’re a boy? I love you, be kind, and I wish you many, many friends.

See you soon,

Jehan, eight.

 

This n' that 5

When I took the train to leave my little town for my studies, I was torn apart between this new freedom to discover the world and the well-being and love I felt in my home town with my family and friends. A huge sadness occurred and I had an intense feeling of uprooting, which continues even today. 

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When my father died, I felt a tremendous relief.
Then, the regrets and the guilt fell on me like a ton of bricks.

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On my gravestone: he was loved…

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I am amazed how easy it is for me to guess, to feel others.

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I’m constantly in need to prove that I have the right to say, to think, to write.

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“Don’t forget that the others also live a fight; they’re warriors who look for resting.”

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My concentration: I’m here, I’m not here, I’m here, I’m not here, etc.

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Don’t be afraid anymore to say:
"I want to finish what I was saying..."

"Give me still a minute or two…"

"Just wait a little until I finish…"

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A staircase is built from the bottom up, but it’s swept from top to bottom.

This n' that 2
 

I have more pain not doing things because, besides the regrets, I add the disappointment. And my energy and my motivation decrease and decrease because of this non-action.

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My children within me are still alive, but frightened and hidden in a cave in the depths of the world in total darkness. They are starved and became hysteric they are afraid and they've been waiting for me they've been waiting for me for so long.

They've never stopped believing that I would come looking for them one day...

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Every attempt becomes a practice, a rehearsal for the one who will become a reality.

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When I act, I feel at peace.

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My values/qualities:
1) Open-mindedness 2) Respect 3) Altruism 4) Empathy
5) Intelligence 6) Generosity 7) Frankness 8) Loyalty 9) Honesty 10) Integrity

11) Forgiveness 12) Diversity 

(Yeah, yeah...)

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"When we die, is it for life?"

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My eulogy, short & sweet: we loved him!

   

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One of the most fascinating things in life, for me, is observing others.