Very intimate diaries  11

I have long tried to "neutralize" the negative waves of events before they reach me. In vain! Until I realized that the waves and negative events will always be; it’s my reaction that I have to change.

(....)

All my life, I looked for and waited for the "psychological clicks" that would wake up my mind, my brain and finally solve various mental knots where I was chained.

Like lights that would suddenly be on.

But I still bogged down in this big intolerable darkness until one day I realized I could not see them because I had my eyes closed...

(....)

Sometimes when I’m writing my Pages, I enter a kind of hypnotic and meditative state so strong that, for a few seconds, I have no knowledge of what I have just written.

(....)

A while ago, I thought of all these numerous years of painful therapies and medications I had been through, dozens and dozens thoughts of death that had crossed my mind and I realized that as deeply nourishing and uplifting that might be the love of my family and my friends, it was not what could make me want to stay alive, but the following questioning: Is it enough? Did I accomplish my mission? Is it time to go?

I have found no answer. That's why I'm still here.

Narrative 6

Grandma B.’s myopia: 

I remember my grandmother B., my mother’s mother, was very, very, very shortsighted. I always wondered how she managed to do her daily chores with disabilities like that.

I never knew what color her eyes were and even what was like her look without her glasses.

I also remember my uncle Ti-P, when he played cards with my grandmother, took advantage of it to cheat because my grandmother did not see the cards we put on the table: we had to tell her what was played.

Because of his extreme myopia, my grandmother has always been someone special to me, fascinating. She seemed very sweet and very docile. But in reality… -I learnt it many years later after she died- she was very dominant, strong-willed, tough and often controlling- castrating! The "granny" I imagined was, indeed, a fierce lioness with gentle eyes. What thwart all its prey!

It was said that my grandfather was the eyes of my grandmother, and my grandmother was his legs. But that's another story...

Narrative 5

Popsicles :

Boy, did I loved Popsicles! Orange, banana. My preferred were the orange one. From time to time, I also ate the banana one, because their tastes were very different.

I also tested and tasted new colors like when the blue ones appeared. What flavor were they? No idea!  But I wanted even so to test them!

I also tried those with three colors, but I don’t know why the three flavors eventually rose up to my throat!

Later, I tried some Mr. Freeze and others of the same kind. But nothing beats a good very cold orange Popsicle, on a great hot summer day and eating it while rolling on my bike, one hand on the handlebar, wind in my hair, orange droplets on my chin and my eyes sparkling in ecstasy: I discovered the freedom to live …