Very intimate diaries 3

I have intense emotional paralysis. (...) It’s true that there’s some anger in all this. A big bundle of anger. In fact, it’s hundreds of small, medium and large rages all piled on top of each other.
That's what has paralyzed me, I guess.

(...)

Does fate really exist? Is it what I thought it was when I was young, and I felt I had something great to achieve?

(...)

(Another Day)

I live my life a lot on pity and the idea “not to disappoint.” I don’t live my life in function of me a lot I think…

(...)

All I know is that I try to be approved, validated constantly.

(...)

(Another Day)

It seems to be going rather slowly… That's good!  I'll have more time to mourn a number of things ...

(...)

Do I have any superstitions? Telling me that if things go well, I will pay dearly, it is not a superstition, right? Sure!!
Luckily that I told myself I no longer had them!!

(...)

(Another Day)

Things take place one by one, slowly.

(...)

Sometimes, I'm afraid to write... I know how it’s demanding and what that costs me in energy ...

(...)

(Another Day)

I just read Brainlock (Jeffrey M. Schwartz)

 
(...)

Sometimes that lasts for two full days (the obsessive negative thoughts). And there may be residues (flashbacks) for the next three, four days. It's so ingrained in me ...
For de-focused, I sing a little. I also use a mental positive picture.

(...)

Do I still have the right to dream?

(...)

If my fountain pen had the strength of the biggest will in the world...
Could it be possible? I wish…

From my yellow notebook 3

I am a believer... in Jehan.

When I dream of my unconscious, is a sign that things are changing?

Why live in a dream the present state?

Use the bottom line method.

How can my actions give me more strength and safety to the cocoon which I created?

To repeat in my mind: It's not my judgment it's theirs. It’s not mine!

To dare is to learn.

To act is to learn.

To repeat in my mind: I take my responsibility; the rest is not for me.

I love life.  I love my life.

Now!

Be always as a beginner.

Live up all my fears ... and then get rid of it!

What do I want to protect me from?

"He’s wavering... like the wind."

Very intimate diaries 2

I am looking for my inner dynamo.

(...)

I'm glad I managed, gradually, in "downloading" of things.

(...)

 

And if I could express my anger and pain by drawing?

(...)

(Another Day) 

I think the Morning Pages make me feel good inside. I seem to crush, to eliminate fears and everything else. As if that was cleaning in full every time.

(...)

The important thing is to keep writing (regardless of frequency). I know at some point I'll end up getting a more regular and a more frequent pace.

(...)

I'm scared I'm so scared. As if I could ... As if all good that can happen to me masks a great misfortune. As if I should not move, speak, or do anything, or something will explode. Otherwise, misfortune appears. I mustn’t tell him (the misfortune) that I found positive and happiness. As if a murder is committed, otherwise. And it's loud it's so strong it's unbelievable. Once again, it's really crippling.

(...)

What do I do with this little “creative genius” that I have in me? He won’t die that’s for sure! I wonder why he's so strong ... (...) It's so strange ... Looks like it's there to allow me to get the steam out.

(...)

I don’t create because I’m in a crisis, and I’m in a crisis because I don’t create...

Very intimate diaries

Antidepressants have taught me how my brain works.

(…)

Get out of self-sabotage.

(…)

To believe that I am on the road to recovery, I need to feel and see real change.

(…)

Looking for therapeutic triggers that’ll bring the changes I wish for.

(…)

Six, seven months after Mom died, the image of the tyrannical tigress is gone, replaced by that of a sweet woman. (The image I had of her in her youth, and I've always kept, was replaced by the image of an aging woman of its last days.) 

(…)

I have a lot of incredible feelings of revenge, anger and frustration in me. A rather explosive combination. 

(…)

I want to get back to the "world before." 

(…)

I have my legs, my arms, but sometimes not all my head ...

Narrative 6

Grandma B.’s myopia: 

I remember my grandmother B., my mother’s mother, was very, very, very shortsighted. I always wondered how she managed to do her daily chores with disabilities like that.

I never knew what color her eyes were and even what was like her look without her glasses.

I also remember my uncle Ti-P, when he played cards with my grandmother, took advantage of it to cheat because my grandmother did not see the cards we put on the table: we had to tell her what was played.

Because of his extreme myopia, my grandmother has always been someone special to me, fascinating. She seemed very sweet and very docile. But in reality… -I learnt it many years later after she died- she was very dominant, strong-willed, tough and often controlling- castrating! The "granny" I imagined was, indeed, a fierce lioness with gentle eyes. What thwart all its prey!

It was said that my grandfather was the eyes of my grandmother, and my grandmother was his legs. But that's another story...

4h00 pm, sunday.   A blank musical stave...

This n' that 6

 
"When you live bereavement, there’s also the death of some of yourself-image."

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  Life is play.

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Failures are tools to grow up, improve myself as a human being. Failures thus became stages, not obstacles.

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"People are better than their actions. Patients are better than their illnesses. "

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The ceaseless monologue in my head is not the truth.

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I dread the pain, but I'm not afraid of death.

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"Can you stand in the middle of the false values ​​that attack you from all sides without losing your freedom or your common sense?"

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I am uniqueness.

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Success is the result of good judgment; good judgment is the result of experience; experience is, often, the result of misjudgment.

My favorite seasons

I believe that my favorite season is winter. But, at the same time, I like very much summer.

I like winter because of the strong urge, I have to say thanks to life.

I like summer for the sensation of freedom it gets me in.

I like winter because of the soul-searching it brings me to do.

I like summer when nothing seems to be impossible.

I like winter for the holiday season.

I like summer because it inspires me to explore, to go farther and to travel endlessly.

I like winter for the snow that’s so white in the countryside.

I like summer, because it gives me a strong urge to know people and to taste the joy to burst, to commune with nature.

I like winter for the comfort, the warm and the sensation of security which it gives me when I’m in my room contemplating the wintry landscape through my window...

3h45 pm  Tuesday

Narrative 5

Popsicles :

Boy, did I loved Popsicles! Orange, banana. My preferred were the orange one. From time to time, I also ate the banana one, because their tastes were very different.

I also tested and tasted new colors like when the blue ones appeared. What flavor were they? No idea!  But I wanted even so to test them!

I also tried those with three colors, but I don’t know why the three flavors eventually rose up to my throat!

Later, I tried some Mr. Freeze and others of the same kind. But nothing beats a good very cold orange Popsicle, on a great hot summer day and eating it while rolling on my bike, one hand on the handlebar, wind in my hair, orange droplets on my chin and my eyes sparkling in ecstasy: I discovered the freedom to live …