I often had these irrational fears
in my life thus of becoming crazy! Where this fear came from? I think I have a
little idea on that; I believe that mom’s mental and psychological fragility
and her wild merciless moods gave me the feeling, at each of her crises, she
was still very close to sink into a deep no-return madness.
I wonder if I haven’t tried, with this
fear I bought from her, to "join" her to share her dizziness because
I could not stand she suffers; she was the greatest love of my life.
I still can see her fight with all
her might against these invading crying inner ghosts as she poured bile on our
heads and shoulders. Nevertheless, she managed with that gentle force buried in
her to continue to protect us and love us.
I have not inherited mom's
"imbalances", but now she's gone every time I feel that Life scratches
me at length, I become again this little boy who, with a glint of fear and
suffering in his eyes, looked at the most beautiful woman in the world to become
an ugly and repulsive monster.
While denying this legacy with all
my strength I manage to follow my inner path, the one where all the cures are
possible...
